In relationships it’s the one thing that once untold trust can never be recovered and in break ups it's never spoken. It’s also the one thing that people don’t like sharing in fear of hurting someone. I do however believe that lying is not about not wanting to hurt the other person, but more the fear facing actual consequences and even the fear of what that persons hurt may do to your reputation and perhaps even your vision after being stabbed in the eye with a broom stick.
Many say that they would prefer the truth no matter how painful, but that my friends, I believe to be a lie. For years I have expected and preached the truth, but did I really want it. Would the truth keep me from breaking or would I take a larger lesson from it and most of all would it give me closure? I feel strongly about the truth. Without it I feel betrayed, less respected and even insulted. I have however learnt to look at the small untruths differently since sitting on the outside of relationships and also having been lied to too many times. I do not condone it, but I do understand it. I have ended many relationships with a lie and have been lied to the same. And by lying I know I have deprived that person an opportunity of growth, well only in that one very small case. I should have told him that his manner in which I witnessed him caring for himself told me that he is a lazy person and incapable of caring for anyone one else if he could not even wipe the food from his chin.
But pain is pain is fucking pain, whether its sugar coated with an “I’m not ready for the level of commitment you expect” or a blunt “I really just wanna start sleeping with someone else, anyone else”. It just mustn’t happen to me, but I’m very ok with using a classic breakup line, but hate the insult of it being used on me.
There are different levels of lying I guess. Levels of betrayal or at least levels of pain you feel when the truth finally comes out and you bet your pansy ass it does. The biggest betrayals are those little self lies. Ja ja… lets not pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.
It was only that one time…
He will feel the same eventually; it just takes men longer…
I will lose enough weight to fit into that halter dress…
I can't do this...
LIES!!
All little lies...
We lie to ourselves about bad relationships, bad men, men who don’t love us, men who don’t want us and we keep doing it over and over. And as soon as I stopped lying to myself I stopped lying to the men I know. There are men I have been stringing along for quite some time now, purely for my ego. And the moment I got real with myself I started getting real with them. I told the TRUTH! It didn’t really feel good at first and I didn’t do it for them. I was just sick of making excuses to not meet them and to not wanna hang out and to just well…. To just NOT! Now I have no daily conversations with my contacts, but I feel free. And perhaps that old saying of it being able to set you free, the truth has an amazing light to it. And now wonder how I could ever have gone without it.
So until I fuck up again, I say
Satsang - remain in the company of the highest truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment