Excess Baggage

I have been dating for 15 years and counting and in this long, bitter sweet journey I have picked up some really bad and good habits. Some lessons and some teachings.

I was chatting to a friend about firsts and so many memories came flooding to my mind. Every boy or man I have ever been with sexually or emotionally has left a little something behind that I have carried with me ever since. Not just taking what I can use, but carrying it all. Some left me with insecurities and other with lessons, one even left me with a little boy :O.

My very first boyfriend, fuckin psycho, was crazy jealous and possessive. Everything was decided for me, from who I spoke with or hang out with up to what was appropriate for me to wear. This was my introduction to love… what the hell did I know anyway? My very first false lessons (untruth) I learnt from my dating life was that I was to remain as plain as possible and not seek unnecessary attention. Oh and of course I’m lazy and up until a few months ago I never made any effort to put on anything more than lip gloss, since a full application of make up and so forth would actually cut into my snoozing time… who needs to look and feel good anyway? Heheheheheheee. Since him I have chosen to remain a rather plain girl. Someone who would rather not be noticed, a wall flower or maybe more like a piece of paint peeling from a wall.

That’s just one of the many little untruths these 2 headed assholes left me with. Amongst other untruths was that as a woman I should be chosen and be happy with who picked me. I didn’t really pick, but I loved… damn am I good at loving. A few convinced me that sex was the most important factor in a relationship so I practicedJ. The ultimate untruth was learning that loving someone meant complete sacrifice of ones self and life in the name of love… hallelujah! This I did without reservation even when it was not reciprocated. And I did it because “I LOVE HIM”!

Needless to say my dating history has had a huge impact on the type of decisions I have made for my life.

Today I am a complete mess, meant to be a case study for psyche students. 31 years old with meaningless sex partners and many more in the pipe line. No deep emotional connections with any men whatsoever. I don’t cry myself to sleep or feel used by men for sex, since it’s what I also want. There is however this feeling of chaos inside an unsettled feeling of miss or longing for something wholesome, secure and real. Not even being sure if I am ready for a commitment of that magnitude.

This brings me back to something very profound that a friend told me once when I was about to make yet another bad decision. Her exact words being “Megs, just because you can handle it does not mean you don’t deserve more”. This very simple statement put my world in a spin. Was this what I really wanted or was it that I didn’t believe I could get what I really wanted. And will belief in my past untruths allow me to have what I truly deserve? Was I just settling because it’s so much easier than investing in a relationship of substance or is it that fear of pain that everyone but me seems to thing I have.

Or or or…

What I should take from all this is that I am too easily influenced. My love/sex life has been dictated my mind and not my heart. Weighing of pros and cons, an insecurity dictating when I should call and what I should say. And yet even though I have been in this game for such a long time I am still an unknowing amateur at how I feel and what I want. And perhaps only once I can identify what it is that I want, I will be able to hang up my proud “S” letter and live happily every after.

But until such time, here is to learning, growing and faking it!

“Love shall conquer all and breaks your knee caps in the process”