Not so single stress

I recently started dating a really amazing man sigh… yip head over feet! I think about him all the time and besides for being in a state of only crazy euphoria I am also in a state of just plain crazy-crazy.

“What is he doing?”

“Who is he with?”

“Is he also thinking about me?”

“Should I call?”

All very reasonable questions to ask since he is in another city!!

He’s constant calls give me some reassurance that he feels the same way. There is this fear inside me. A double edged one so let’s make that a times 2 fear!

The relationship deal is all very new to me and since this is the closest I have come to a real one there are bigger risks here, my heart being one of them!

So I started thinking about all of my friends who are in long term stable relationships and now understand why they don’t have any reason to envy me. An already established relationship has very little anxiety. They have passed the prettiest dress dates and make flawless morning after face and morning oh, they already passed the morning breath embattlement. They passed the nicest undies weekend specials and the “I hate that shirt” arguments. They passed the one month later when for the whole day he hasn’t called or texted or emailed or sent any smoke signals… Here comes the crazy!!

Does this mean the end? Is he losing interest? I shouldn’t have been so open so soon! And before the end is even in sight I play out the end of this chapter and why he is leaving me. I am not affectionate enough, I didn’t call him when I wanted to because I didn’t want to seem toooooo needy and when he said he loved me I said nothing (even though I feel the same) because… I’m sooo not gonna fall for that one again. Did I swear too much when we were watching rugby or am I too much of a sensual lover for him? Maybe a bit too loose… if only we had more time, I can show him how I feel and make him understand why I am the way I am and why getting close makes me want to run.

And then I can see my tears run down my cheeks as he tells me that I am not enough and not what he wants. And I hurt as if he is standing in front of me and turning around to leave my life forever. My heart breaks for real and I think to myself that if this is going to happen to me, I will leave first or I won’t let it get to me that much. It will hurt, but I will be a big girl about it and deal with it. I have been through worse right???

My phone rings…

His voice on the other side…

He says he misses me…

Sorry he was so busy…

And tells me that he will see me in a week’s time…

And my heart melts and I tell him that I love him and that I have missed him so much and have realized that I am very happy that I have him in my life.

Crisis evaded and sanity restored, until the next time he gets too busy to call J

Excess Baggage

I have been dating for 15 years and counting and in this long, bitter sweet journey I have picked up some really bad and good habits. Some lessons and some teachings.

I was chatting to a friend about firsts and so many memories came flooding to my mind. Every boy or man I have ever been with sexually or emotionally has left a little something behind that I have carried with me ever since. Not just taking what I can use, but carrying it all. Some left me with insecurities and other with lessons, one even left me with a little boy :O.

My very first boyfriend, fuckin psycho, was crazy jealous and possessive. Everything was decided for me, from who I spoke with or hang out with up to what was appropriate for me to wear. This was my introduction to love… what the hell did I know anyway? My very first false lessons (untruth) I learnt from my dating life was that I was to remain as plain as possible and not seek unnecessary attention. Oh and of course I’m lazy and up until a few months ago I never made any effort to put on anything more than lip gloss, since a full application of make up and so forth would actually cut into my snoozing time… who needs to look and feel good anyway? Heheheheheheee. Since him I have chosen to remain a rather plain girl. Someone who would rather not be noticed, a wall flower or maybe more like a piece of paint peeling from a wall.

That’s just one of the many little untruths these 2 headed assholes left me with. Amongst other untruths was that as a woman I should be chosen and be happy with who picked me. I didn’t really pick, but I loved… damn am I good at loving. A few convinced me that sex was the most important factor in a relationship so I practicedJ. The ultimate untruth was learning that loving someone meant complete sacrifice of ones self and life in the name of love… hallelujah! This I did without reservation even when it was not reciprocated. And I did it because “I LOVE HIM”!

Needless to say my dating history has had a huge impact on the type of decisions I have made for my life.

Today I am a complete mess, meant to be a case study for psyche students. 31 years old with meaningless sex partners and many more in the pipe line. No deep emotional connections with any men whatsoever. I don’t cry myself to sleep or feel used by men for sex, since it’s what I also want. There is however this feeling of chaos inside an unsettled feeling of miss or longing for something wholesome, secure and real. Not even being sure if I am ready for a commitment of that magnitude.

This brings me back to something very profound that a friend told me once when I was about to make yet another bad decision. Her exact words being “Megs, just because you can handle it does not mean you don’t deserve more”. This very simple statement put my world in a spin. Was this what I really wanted or was it that I didn’t believe I could get what I really wanted. And will belief in my past untruths allow me to have what I truly deserve? Was I just settling because it’s so much easier than investing in a relationship of substance or is it that fear of pain that everyone but me seems to thing I have.

Or or or…

What I should take from all this is that I am too easily influenced. My love/sex life has been dictated my mind and not my heart. Weighing of pros and cons, an insecurity dictating when I should call and what I should say. And yet even though I have been in this game for such a long time I am still an unknowing amateur at how I feel and what I want. And perhaps only once I can identify what it is that I want, I will be able to hang up my proud “S” letter and live happily every after.

But until such time, here is to learning, growing and faking it!

“Love shall conquer all and breaks your knee caps in the process”