Stepping Stone

I went hiking the weekend past and boy did I abuse my body, it took me the rest of that day and the next to recover L… Was it worth it? Will I do it again? Hell Yeah!! I suffer from short term memory loss and will find myself in a body aching situation very soon again! This not being the point I wish to make, let me get to it then! Ah Ha, the stone.

My son is very cute and every so often he brings me a stone to tell me that while he was playing or walking or running or doing whatever it is that 8 year old boys do, he was thinking about me. It melts my heart every single time and my home is a shrine to collected stones from all over; peoples driveways, the parking lot, the beach the mountain, basically from anywhere in the world of an 8 year old. And on this muscle bursting hike, I decided I’m gonna get him a nice little stone to show him that I was thinking about him and that I missed him. It took us just over 2 hours to make it to the top and I kept looking down hoping to find that perfect stone.

Some were sooo pretty and others quite unusual and some resembling other inanimate objects, such as birds and hearts and so forth. And every time I’m ready to pick one up I think 2 things, do I really smaak like carrying it all the way to the top, I mean and I’m not the smallest of girls so to carry more than my weight is possible, but not very comfortable. The other thought was, what if I take this one and then I stop looking and there may be a better one and while I’m holding onto this stone, I could miss out on the best stone of my life… yes, I am very passionate about stones. So I pass by all these stones that I could possibly take with me on my journey, but I choose to go on, stone free. At the top, while taking in this beautiful breathtaking view and the road that lead me to this point, I wondered if I missed a really good stone, the right one for me maybe. I didn’t worry too much, knowing that my journey was not over; I was determined to settle for at least one damn stone. With empty hands I shall not end this day!

I found it of course, still having concerns as to whether it was good enough and am I prepared to take on this weight even though the stone was not extraordinary and exactly what I hoped for, it served that specific function that I needed it to.

Do I have the right stone? I have no idea

Should I know what the right stone for me is? Probably, but I pride myself on ignorance, it’s my defense against the dark arts of life.

Is there a future for this stone and I? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I picked up this stone and took it home, my son loves it and so do I. Will this stone be part of my décor or will it contribute to the foundation of my absolutely fabulous future? I have it so this means I must be interested in the outcome, but knowing for sure was never my forte, experimenting however, I am much better at.

I’m not making plans and I’m not changing anything, I am and will participate as I am hopeful that the stone that provoked so much thought can make me feel like this one thing is the one thing that I know for sure.

My Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I wanna know if you can pay for you own movie

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I wanna know if you can do your own washing and get your own beer.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon

I wanna know if you have and interesting view point on life.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I wanna know if I am important enough to tell the truth to.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;

And stand up to your mother and side with me.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty

And if you can remind me when I don’t

I want to know if you can live with failure

Because every now and then I am imperfect.

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have

I want to know if you can have that and feel no need to make it known to the world and find comfort in the fact that it is no one else’s business.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here

I wanna know if you know when its time to leave you should.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied

I wanna know if you can talk so much kak that you laugh until your stomach hurts and you fart out loud.

I want to know if you can be alone with me and not feel the need to poison the silence with words when only your presence is necessary.

This is my invitation to you and only if all of these can be accepted so shall you

I know that this may be plagiarism to an extent, but I do feel that since I try my very best to live my life by The Invitation it’s only fair that those wish to be a part of mine should accept my invitation and NO it’s not a FB friend request.

OUT!

Sucker for punishment

Bit my lip badly yesterday and its super sore, but I find myself rubbing my tongue against it and slightly grazing my teeth on it to make myself flinch from the discomfort. And just as I am constantly pestering my physical wounds I do so with my emotional.

Sending an email after he does not show up for a date…

Becoming friends with him after dropping on and off the radar at random moments…

Responding to sms’ after finding out he is married…

Welcoming him back into my life after he left me to raise my son alone…

Seems there is a bit of a pattern developing here! And as I’m sitting her writing this I’m thinking “Yor Megs catch a wake up!!”

My friends come to me with all their stories and my most common advice to them is “Leave the vark”. My friends know that I don’t take kak and don’t make excuses for the assholes that treat you kak! Big Bek will tell anyone to piss off and advise my friends of doing the same. I force them to be harsh towards the people that have caused them the most harm. Yet I have the longest history of giving second chances! Mostly because I am slightly older than all of my friends (not put together). Without explanation to them or anyone, not even myself. It pisses me off to see my loved ones in pain because there is nothing I can do to help. How about me? What about my pain? How do I stand up for myself after being abused, neglected and rejected?

I don’t that’s what I do.

So I am hoping this little realization does 3 things

1. Make me realize that I have to love myself enough to not want to see myself in pain
2. Not be so hard on my friends and their choices
3. End my self-destructing relationships once and for all!

"We don’t mean to remain in pain, but if it’s all we know then what else can a self loathing writer of blogs do?"

Not so single stress

I recently started dating a really amazing man sigh… yip head over feet! I think about him all the time and besides for being in a state of only crazy euphoria I am also in a state of just plain crazy-crazy.

“What is he doing?”

“Who is he with?”

“Is he also thinking about me?”

“Should I call?”

All very reasonable questions to ask since he is in another city!!

He’s constant calls give me some reassurance that he feels the same way. There is this fear inside me. A double edged one so let’s make that a times 2 fear!

The relationship deal is all very new to me and since this is the closest I have come to a real one there are bigger risks here, my heart being one of them!

So I started thinking about all of my friends who are in long term stable relationships and now understand why they don’t have any reason to envy me. An already established relationship has very little anxiety. They have passed the prettiest dress dates and make flawless morning after face and morning oh, they already passed the morning breath embattlement. They passed the nicest undies weekend specials and the “I hate that shirt” arguments. They passed the one month later when for the whole day he hasn’t called or texted or emailed or sent any smoke signals… Here comes the crazy!!

Does this mean the end? Is he losing interest? I shouldn’t have been so open so soon! And before the end is even in sight I play out the end of this chapter and why he is leaving me. I am not affectionate enough, I didn’t call him when I wanted to because I didn’t want to seem toooooo needy and when he said he loved me I said nothing (even though I feel the same) because… I’m sooo not gonna fall for that one again. Did I swear too much when we were watching rugby or am I too much of a sensual lover for him? Maybe a bit too loose… if only we had more time, I can show him how I feel and make him understand why I am the way I am and why getting close makes me want to run.

And then I can see my tears run down my cheeks as he tells me that I am not enough and not what he wants. And I hurt as if he is standing in front of me and turning around to leave my life forever. My heart breaks for real and I think to myself that if this is going to happen to me, I will leave first or I won’t let it get to me that much. It will hurt, but I will be a big girl about it and deal with it. I have been through worse right???

My phone rings…

His voice on the other side…

He says he misses me…

Sorry he was so busy…

And tells me that he will see me in a week’s time…

And my heart melts and I tell him that I love him and that I have missed him so much and have realized that I am very happy that I have him in my life.

Crisis evaded and sanity restored, until the next time he gets too busy to call J

Excess Baggage

I have been dating for 15 years and counting and in this long, bitter sweet journey I have picked up some really bad and good habits. Some lessons and some teachings.

I was chatting to a friend about firsts and so many memories came flooding to my mind. Every boy or man I have ever been with sexually or emotionally has left a little something behind that I have carried with me ever since. Not just taking what I can use, but carrying it all. Some left me with insecurities and other with lessons, one even left me with a little boy :O.

My very first boyfriend, fuckin psycho, was crazy jealous and possessive. Everything was decided for me, from who I spoke with or hang out with up to what was appropriate for me to wear. This was my introduction to love… what the hell did I know anyway? My very first false lessons (untruth) I learnt from my dating life was that I was to remain as plain as possible and not seek unnecessary attention. Oh and of course I’m lazy and up until a few months ago I never made any effort to put on anything more than lip gloss, since a full application of make up and so forth would actually cut into my snoozing time… who needs to look and feel good anyway? Heheheheheheee. Since him I have chosen to remain a rather plain girl. Someone who would rather not be noticed, a wall flower or maybe more like a piece of paint peeling from a wall.

That’s just one of the many little untruths these 2 headed assholes left me with. Amongst other untruths was that as a woman I should be chosen and be happy with who picked me. I didn’t really pick, but I loved… damn am I good at loving. A few convinced me that sex was the most important factor in a relationship so I practicedJ. The ultimate untruth was learning that loving someone meant complete sacrifice of ones self and life in the name of love… hallelujah! This I did without reservation even when it was not reciprocated. And I did it because “I LOVE HIM”!

Needless to say my dating history has had a huge impact on the type of decisions I have made for my life.

Today I am a complete mess, meant to be a case study for psyche students. 31 years old with meaningless sex partners and many more in the pipe line. No deep emotional connections with any men whatsoever. I don’t cry myself to sleep or feel used by men for sex, since it’s what I also want. There is however this feeling of chaos inside an unsettled feeling of miss or longing for something wholesome, secure and real. Not even being sure if I am ready for a commitment of that magnitude.

This brings me back to something very profound that a friend told me once when I was about to make yet another bad decision. Her exact words being “Megs, just because you can handle it does not mean you don’t deserve more”. This very simple statement put my world in a spin. Was this what I really wanted or was it that I didn’t believe I could get what I really wanted. And will belief in my past untruths allow me to have what I truly deserve? Was I just settling because it’s so much easier than investing in a relationship of substance or is it that fear of pain that everyone but me seems to thing I have.

Or or or…

What I should take from all this is that I am too easily influenced. My love/sex life has been dictated my mind and not my heart. Weighing of pros and cons, an insecurity dictating when I should call and what I should say. And yet even though I have been in this game for such a long time I am still an unknowing amateur at how I feel and what I want. And perhaps only once I can identify what it is that I want, I will be able to hang up my proud “S” letter and live happily every after.

But until such time, here is to learning, growing and faking it!

“Love shall conquer all and breaks your knee caps in the process”

To meet or not to meet

The dark and dingy back street dealings of online dating has me feeling like I’m buying a bankie in the lane behind my old high school. It’s exciting, dangerous, funny, interesting and let me add, somewhat pathetic. It’s for the hopeful, desperate and adventurous. The site is my dealer, me being the dragon chasing junky prowling for a fix. It’s been 3 months since I accidentally stumbled onto an awesome dating site, “mistakenly” sent to me by my aunt. Perhaps she is trying to tell me something (“,). But that’s a whole other blog!

My experience has not only been strange and scary, but also so unbelievably funny that I now have the site automatically open with my browser. Online dating offers a little something for everyone from the predator, to the seeker of love to the down and dirty, let’s just fuck personality. From intimately emotional virtual relationships to mid day hotel shags. It’s all about your preferences and current needs. And since there are thousands of potential suitors to choose from, initially it’s a bit superficial, a sort or filtering system. Love lists are applied and first and foremost you don’t even preview the “About Me” unless he is attractive. In this case a simple formula can be applied:

Tall + dark + hot = iamwillingtoshag

What’s tough is figuring out what I actually wanted from this virtual platter of penis. Did I want only sex, was I looking for a way to meet people (you know, grow my social playground) or was I looking for the ONE? So I didn’t answer that question for myself, instead I went with the flow. Yip trial and error. It was my mission to meet or to interact with as many men as possible. And let me just add that being a virtual slut has been pretty good for the ego and has made me very assertive. I can now say exactly what I want and how I want it and if my needs are not met there are at least 500 other penis’ on this platter that is willing to humour me! But obviously you have to sort the freaks from the fabulous. And talking about freaks, the world is not left wanting. I have been asked to send pics of my biscuits and boobs. A very popular question is “what is your bra size?” oh and how could I forget “is your pussy wet?”, “are you a virgin”. The latter being my all time favourite. I have been told that I am loved more than any other in their lives and I was asked for money. I put it all down to this virtual reality making people extraordinarily bold. Say it to my face en dan praat ons!

This non face to face confidence has a huge affect on the pace of this sort of relationship. And I know that we live in the here and now and everything is accelerated to the speed of light, but so much is lost online. The intimacy of hands brushing, the tingle of someone sitting so close you can feel the heat of their body, the humour and excitement of sitting across from each other and your legs touching. Whatever happened to the wooing effect, the romance, the first time hands are held and the first kiss? I feel this is very important to the building of that story that is your relationship. The one thing that I find the same in dating, whether it’s done from my PC, bedroom or a coffee shop is that you won’t get what you want unless you say what you want. And like any other kind of dating, expectations should be made known and instincts should be trusted, in this case yours is most important!!

So I guess I will stay online and I will talk to random strangers for hours and go on a million dates until I find what I am looking for. The difference between today and 3 months ago is that now I know what it is that I want on my penis platter. Wish me luck!

Valentines Day

Everyone expects this big bang of a write up for Valentines day. And since it’s considered the worse day of a single girls year I am expected to describe the bitterness and loneliness that comes with this great celebration of love. But I'm not gonna do that.

I love it.

I love the end of the Valentine’s workday! Women are exiting the building, flowers and chocolate in hand. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a public display of it. I love when my friends tell me about the gifts and the surprise work visits and the terribly cooked dinners. Even though it reminds me of something that was lost or something that was a reality for me a million years ago, I revel in it and smile at the love that still happens around me. I observe the ladies blush after more than 10 years with the same man. I see the excitement of still being adored, appreciated and thought of even though a week ago she threw the remote at him. And it makes me smile with a deep sense of hopefulness and faith that someday that will be me.

And as love blooms all around me its nice to be reminded that such a thing still exists.

Have a happy love filled day!

Happy Valentine’s day

The List

Every partnership that I know of started with a list. Up until a few years ago, before “The Secret” which told us things we already knew, the list only existed in our heads. Yes a lot like the ever elusive “one” and “exclusive relationships”.

The list is a pretty good mix of personality, looks, values and employment status of a potential partner. And since the list is yours you can be as unrealistic as you like. I have honesty on mine, so yes I have a pretty good imagination. My single self being in a very awkward space of wants and needs right now I still apply the mental list to every single man I meet.

Example…

I met a man the other day and even though we are not sexually interested in each other, he was still closely scrutinized.


And so it went on until our day ended. The funny thing about that list is that if you are sexually attracted to a man, that list melts into a puddle of your drool. That list becomes about as useful as a 19 year old date to a pedophile. His hot, who the hell cares if he is employed!


Though since we are now in the year of the ANAL this list has become the damn 10 Commandments presented in PowerPoint with a laser pen and cue cards. Once written down it CANNOT be adjusted! Well I say screw that oh and that guy that does not make it onto the list except for that wave of heat he sends from my knees to my waist. Mmm… Oh yeah, you know which guy I'm taking about! I know that no one advised us on the flexibility of the list, so let me set it straight for you. This is your “Love List” so when in the heat of the moment and that hot guy from editorial wants to jump your bones, who the hell am I to deny you that memorable steamy encounter. Today you’re Mother Theresa and tomorrow you can be Candy (pole dancing to pay for your gran’s hip replacement).

My point is very simple! Since the only constant is change its healthy to be a bit flexible on your choices, lists, encounters and what ever the hell else you feel like flexing! This is the one thing I absolutely love about getting older is that my choices are mine and since I sit with the consequences, I may as well try it my way.

So…. Chuck the list and live a little! Have some faith that when you meet Mr 7 out of 15 then you will just know!