For One?

Ordering single espresso for one! The waiter looks at the other empty seat. We both thinking the same thing, “will someone eventually occupy it”… suddenly it hits me, just like Brigitte Jones playing “all by myself” in my head… I am doomed to be single for life.

Suddenly desperation kicks in as I cling to my last bit of single dignity, I order a large slice of cheesecake, for one of course as I watch the full restaurant filled with women comfortable in their closed relationships cooing over their choice of partner. I savour the decadence while gloating as I suck on the spoon knowing that the “others” have safe, non fat meals or salads. And I take comfort in the fact that I can have whatever the menu has to offer with no guilt or wonder what the other person may think of me. Satisfaction glows in me that I am independent and strong and don’t need anyone.

I carry my eyes around the room, it falls on the table closest to mine. Staring through my eyelashes I witness how she lightly touches his hand and how his eyes follow her whole body as she moves and how he lights up every time she smiles. My cheesecake curdles in my mouth and in my stomach. Its not nausea at their apparent happiness, but nausea at my sad emptiness. My glow is gone and my smiles are now reserved only for the really funny. And even though my age still gives me hope, my age is now the scariest part of my singlehood. At this age I am what I am and I am cast in stone. Can I coo and giggle? Do I still know how to flatter a man for no reason? Will I still remember how to smile just the right way when he says I am beautiful?

And even though I enjoy the lust, impulse and selfishness of singledom, I miss the simple brush of hands, the simple glance of appreciation, the debate on what movie to choose at the video store, the simple comfort of holding someones hand and the simplicity of sharing a meal.

There are two sides to this vary large coin… I am face down between the darkness and the table.

Here is to hoping that the coin will flip and I land with my face exposed to sun kisses and who knows, even his.