Reality vs. Hope

I’m the type of girl who is very much OK on my own... I have learnt to do so many things for myself and by myself to the point where if I don’t do something alone for a month it feels like my world is shrinking and I can’t breath... melodrama aside. I have made myself accustomed to this life just in case I end up dying alone as the coloured Bridget Jones eaten by pit bulls or 5 million roaches. I do however have an ember of hope that the love list that I have created in my mind will eventually materialise and then my life will burst into colour and song like a Bollywood movie... aaaaah; hope is a funny thing until it meets reality!

I’m generally confused and suspicious of everything that is man! And a very interesting conversation with an online contact confused me more than a dyslexic reading a 500 word essay. My contact, whose name shall not be mentioned (as he so politely requested) is married, yes married and after 15 years of marriage, he says, and I quote “wants’ different pussy”. I don’t understand so I probe to try and figure out what the hell his motive is. Something must be driving this mission, they must have issues, I'm trying my best to find an excuse for this man, but he remains firm that there is nothing wrong in his marriage. In fact he says and again I quote “she is awesome”. I think he feels his honesty will prove to be non threatening to women and perhaps he is right and there is a woman out there willing to participate in the destruction of what he calls a great marriage.

I stop typing and slowly process this information... I am a super mom, great conversationalist, funny smart and hot and still no amount of cheesecake or maid’s costumes can save me from the painful whims of a man. Now this is just a conversation with one man, so I best not make irrational assumptions, however, this one conversation coupled with my personal experiences, makes me believe that no matter my worth it may never be up to me whether or not a partner may remain a loyal one. It could just be a sad need inside me to expect nothing but assholish assholeness from assholes. Oh, my bad, did that come out bitter?

And even though I was hopeful that after my very blunt and clear conversation with him that he may give up his pursuit of a destructive fantasy, but the reality is that he would just go on to send random women pictures of his not so enticing penis J True story!

I am reminded of how little control I have when it comes to matters of the heart. In life there are no guarantees and whether I love a little or a lot, my heart will always be exposed. I could use this information to feed my recently re-inspired bitterness and scare every woman into forever avoiding love or I can learn to take a few more risks. Honestly, even though right now I have to settle for rechargeable batteries, candles and very strong wrists, I remain hopeful and my reality is that every adventure I say yes to brings me closer to a fear free relationship with a one pussy loving man!